Let’s make ‘Domestic Violence’ an oxymoron!

Domestic violence must become an oxymoron.

A recent newspaper article from a courageous Christian woman highlights the tragedy and suffering of domestic violence.

In my first year as Bishop of Tasmania I reflected on the inadequacy of Christian responses to domestic violence and chose to present some thoughts in a public forum on the Today Seminar on National Stop Violence against Women in Hobart, 26 April 2001. This is the text of my presentation “What does it take….to stop Domestic Violence?”.

Three years later I developed these concerns in an address to a Conference sponsored by Jireh House, a ministry for women and children seeking refuge from abuse.

It seems the issue is worth restating.  Below are excerpts from the Address, A Christian Response to Domestic Violence, given in Hobart, 29 April 2004.

I believe we can learn from some of the mistakes the church worldwide has made in responding to sexual abuse by clergy and domestic violence in the past. Mistakes that led to more children being sexually abused – or in the case of domestic violence, more women and children suffering deep and long lasting damage. (Domestic violence includes physical abuse, psychological and emotional abuse, sexual manipulation and abuse, isolation, economical deprivation and stalking.)

The first response of the church worldwide to allegations of sexual abuse by clergy, was ‘not to hear’, because the belief was ‘that good Christian men, who we knew, could not behave like that.’ So the church’s first response was ‘not to hear’ and its consequence, ‘not to believe.’ We face the same tendency when told of domestic violence.

Once the church did finally believe that this bad behaviour had occurred, the second mistaken response was to treat the abuse as any other one-off moral failure. This underestimates the grip this behaviour has in people’s lives, and the layers and layers of self-deception and control involved. (Isn’t this another parallel to domestic violence?) Thus, in the early days, offenders of child sexual abuse were handled using time honoured Christian strategies for dealing with moral failure. They confessed to their superiors in tears, promised never to do it again, and were sent off on spiritual retreats, etc., had absolution pronounced over them – and leaders felt that the perpetrators had truly repented and reinstated them.

Unfortunately, they were reinstated to positions from which they could abuse others. A few may have stopped, but others re-offended, and more young lives were ruined. What occurred in Boston occurred in too many places. Can we learn from their mistakes? When we reinstate someone, we need to ask, ‘Who are we asking to carry the risk, and pay the price if this doesn’t work, if this goes wrong?’ It is one thing to risk ourselves, but should we ask children to carry that risk?

Can you see the parallels with domestic violence? Are we also in danger in the area of domestic violence of simplistically applying great Christian principles? Of applying them in a way that colludes with the perpetrator about some watered down version of reality? In ways that do not even begin to address the grip that this has in lives, nor challenge them to the hard work of change that must flow from true repentance. We help neither victims nor perpetrators if we do that. Some mistakes Christians have made

1.We have fooled ourselves that domestic violence does not happen in good Christian homes – thus we have failed to hear and failed to believe.

My own experience is that when told of abuse by a man I know, I am inclined to disbelief: how can this be true? He is a Christian; I know him and have even ministered and prayed with him. This discomfort inclines me/us not to hear or believe a victim…

2. We have clutched at simplistic tools.

The discomfort and inadequacy we pastors feel when faced with this issue – our own discomfort, often rushes us into suggesting simplistic solutions to both victims and perpetrators. We often clutch at simplistic answers, because of our own discomfort. We can suggest solutions like ‘forgiving others’ or ‘God can forgive you’ as a way of trying to bring people’s pain to an end: to jam the lid back on the box of suffering….

3.The tools we have given perpetrators have often been inadequate.

If we have challenged the perpetrator, the tools we have given him may well have been inadequate. In practice we have assisted him or her to evade reality or the need to do the deep work of change…

4.The tools we have given victims have also often been simplistic.

We know the power that forgiving another has, so we can advocate forgiveness prematurely as a solution to a victim’s problems….

Conclusion

Our first step is to acknowledge that it can be our own discomfort as pastors that can help us collude with perpetrators into slick solutions, and pronouncing a rapid absolution. We also acknowledge that we need to insist that other professionals be called in, so that like Zacchaeus, the perpetrator gives legs to his sorry, by addressing what will help bring about change.

I can tell you some of the dilemmas. I don’t pretend to know the answers. I am both grateful for the ministry of Jireh House and confident that through today’s Jireh House seminar pastors and church leaders can learn more about our Christian response to domestic violence.

It will help us build a healthy church and a healthy Tasmania.

See also ministry to the Church in the Solomon Islands in 2012 concerning domestic violence. I participated with the team that led the workshops which were sponsored by World Vision.

The Christian community, the Church, must commit to making domestic violence an oxymoron.

Please remember: If you are in an abusive situation:

  • Contact free Domestic Violence support services from State Governments and volunteer groups which offer counselling, legal advice, and a safe place to stay.
  • Walk into your local police station.
  • If you have been assaulted, call 000 immediately.

Comments

Let’s make ‘Domestic Violence’ an oxymoron! — 3 Comments

  1. Thanks for your thoughtful and helpful article. Perhaps it is also time that Church leadership start talking about and confronting spiritual abuse. In a Christian context, it is the misuse of God, Jesus Christ, church doctrine, Scripture and cultural and familial teachings and traditions to encourage, excuse, maintain and promote entitlement. This is expressed, for example, in benevolent sexism. There are two key components in the propagation of spiritual abuse. First, the distorted belief that women, in both religious circles and society in general, are lesser than men – in intellect, power, strength, value and worth. Second, that women themselves are to blame for the abuse that some men perpetrate against them. Prevention is the best way to address spiritual abuse in our churches, and we need to begin the conversation about what that looks like on a practical level.

  2. A pastoral and thoughtful resource for Christians seeking to understand the issue of domestic violence and abuse and how to respond is ‘A Cry for Justice’, see: http://cryingoutforjustice.com/contact-about-us/ Through the website the writers engage with people and their situations. The reality of abuse and its tragic consequences can be clearly seen and ways forward that some abused people have experienced. A resource for genuine seekers but not for the faint hearted as this is a truly traumatic issue.

  3. Thank you for your article Bishop. I am so encouraged to see caring ministers recognize the need to professional intervention! Keep up the good work.

    Ellie

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