{"id":15648,"date":"2015-08-03T08:17:05","date_gmt":"2015-08-02T21:17:05","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/imaginarydiocese.org\/bishopjohn\/?p=15648"},"modified":"2015-07-27T17:13:26","modified_gmt":"2015-07-27T06:13:26","slug":"hear-our-cry-address-service-for-domestic-violence","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/imaginarydiocese.org\/bishopjohn\/2015\/08\/03\/hear-our-cry-address-service-for-domestic-violence\/","title":{"rendered":"Hear our Cry: Address @ Service for Family Violence"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><span style=\"color: #000000\">Family is intimacy. Violence destroys.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000\">That the two words: family and violence are joined in Australia today is violation.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000\">Violation of love, trust, honour, dignity, compassion, vulnerability, togetherness, health \u2013 a violation of wholeness, integrity, of all that is family.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000\">The idea that family violence and domestic abuse should happen is unthinkable.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000\">That, in fact, it does happen is shattering.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000\">Shattering of family.<\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><span style=\"color: #000000\">Shattering of that hallowed trust: the family.<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"color: #000000\">Shattering of intimacy, love, vulnerability and safety.<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"color: #000000\">Shattering of body, minds and spirits.<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"color: #000000\">Shattering of families, friendships and society.<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"color: #000000\">Shattering of our stereotypes and stereotypical responses.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000\">Australia, Tasmania, we are broken, our true humanity shattered: that is what violence in our families and abuse in our domestic life has brought upon us.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000\">Where can we start? What can we do?<\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><span style=\"color: #000000\">As we have done, we must grieve with victims.<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"color: #000000\">We must break the silence about violence and coercive behaviours.<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"color: #000000\">We must prioritize the safety and care of victims.<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"color: #000000\">We must recognize and challenge abusive behaviours especially within our midst.<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"color: #000000\">We must work effectively toward the healing of women, children and men.<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"color: #000000\">We must recognize and confess our mistakes in our understanding and responding to victims of family violence and domestic abuse.<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"color: #000000\">We must learn and receive training in pastoral care.<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"color: #000000\">We must learn from others, and work in partnerships with them.<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"color: #000000\">We must change our culture to value the innate dignity and value of every person: every woman and man, girl and boy \u2013 whoever they are and wherever they may be.<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"color: #000000\">We must reflect the heart of Jesus.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000\">But we Christians have made mistakes in responding to family violence and domestic abuse.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000\">So let us be specific about how in the Church our theology can lack the wisdom of pastoral care, and how we have misapplied theology, adding to the harm suffered. The following examples will show that this problem of misapplying theology, is made worse if we try to deal with an issue as complex as domestic violence, without first taking the time to learn more about its common patterns and pitfalls.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000\"><strong><u>Example 1: Hard work is required of offenders.<br \/>\n<\/u><\/strong>Sometimes the problem has been that we have been so convinced of the importance and liberating power of a particular doctrine, that we use our favourite packaging of that doctrine as the first step, or even worse, the only step or tool, to help deal with issues, even those issues as complex as domestic violence.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000\"><strong>For example, some clergy have rushed to pronounce absolution (forgiveness) and reassurance to the perpetrator.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000\">There is nothing wrong with the theology of absolution, but had we taken the time to become more aware of the high re-offence rate, and the layers of minimizations and projections of blame that family violence offenders use to blind themselves and resist change, we would have proceeded much more slowly and carefully.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000\">In fact, if we want to talk about the grace of God to these offenders, it is best to avoid absolutions or passages like Psalm 103 verse 12, \u2018as far as the east is from the west, so far has God removed our transgressions from us\u2019. Otherwise, just as alcoholics do, offenders will just misuse these precious words to give them even more fuel to avoid facing up to what they keep doing, and thereby avoid responsibility for the hard choices ahead.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000\">Instead, when the time is right, we can talk about the utter grace and welcome God offers <strong>when<\/strong> we are prepared to learn to live continuously all day long in the light, fully seen and not kidding ourselves, as the First Letter of John chapter 1 puts it. If we offer to help an offender learn to live 24\/7 \u2018in the light\u2019 where his failures, beliefs and self-talk are continuously opened up to God, we have more of a chance to work with him on his blindfolds, and his projections of blame, minimizations, etc.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000\"><strong>However, do not raise the hopes of the offender\u2019s partner, as offenders have strong self-defence mechanisms. It is much safer for a woman suffering violence or abuse if the offender moves out while working on these or other issues with specialist agencies. <\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000\"><em>Oh Lord, teach us to be better shepherds.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000\"><strong><u>Example 2: Forgiveness does not equate to restoration of relationship<\/u><\/strong>.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000\">It is true that God\u2019s grace is available for all, and that God calls us to extend that forgiveness to others. Our fault is that in the case of family violence, we have too often applied these in a simplistic fashion that has not helped either victims or offenders. Some have applied the forgiveness issue in ways that resulted in women feeling obliged to stay in very violent situations. Let\u2019s look again.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000\">We know that \u2018forgive one another\u2019 is God\u2019s command, and also his gift because it assists both the \u2018wounded person\u2019 and the \u2018wounding person\u2018, to gain freedom from the <strong>past<\/strong>. In time it permits the wounded one to move forward even though they have been badly hurt &#8211; so yes, our goal is certainly to forgive the <strong>pas<\/strong>t. Forgiveness is about the <strong>past.<\/strong> But you can\u2019t forgive the <strong>future<\/strong>!<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000\">I believe some of us have misapplied this when we conveyed that the second part of the question about what happens in the <strong>future<\/strong>, must always have only one answer \u2013 we have conveyed that forgiveness of the <strong>past <\/strong>in every case has to lead to restoration and reinstatement in the <strong>future<\/strong>. I don\u2019t believe this is true.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000\">When the problem is that someone has repeatedly abused their position of \u2018power and authority\u2019 to severely damage those they had \u2018power over,\u2019 being forgiven does not bring with it an automatic right to be reinstated back into that same position of \u2018power and authority\u2019.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000\">This is especially so where those \u2018without power\u2019 would be at risk of severe and lasting damage. One can forgive the past, but still make a separate choice that protects the vulnerable into the future.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000\">For example, some women once married to very dangerous men have come to a place where they can forgive the past, but they live under assumed names, because to do otherwise is to risk their future. Were we to insist that a woman and her children risk their lives and sanity to go back to a very violent man, I suspect we would be in the category for which Jesus condemned the Pharisees \u2018you load people down with a burden they can hardly carry, and you do not lift a finger to help them.\u2019 (Luke 11:46)<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000\">Now that we are even more aware of the long term damage to children who live with family violence or domestic abuse, we need to be even more careful in the way we apply forgiveness of the <strong>past that it does not <\/strong>in every case lead to restoration and reinstatement in the <strong>future<\/strong>.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000\"><em>Oh Lord, teach us to be better shepherds.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000\"><strong><u>Example 3: Violence violates the marriage covenant. <\/u><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000\">We can rightly be committed to preserving marriage, but we have sometimes laid the blame for a destroyed marriage on the wrong person. It is terrorizing and repetitive violence that has broken the covenant of the marriage, not the need for refuge and safety.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000\"><em>Oh Lord, teach us to be better shepherds.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000\">Please hear the following apology. It comes from my heart.<\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><span style=\"color: #000000\">To those who have been harmed by violence and abusive behaviours, we say sorry for any ways we have made your journey even harder.<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"color: #000000\">We are sorry for those times when church leaders were slow to listen or slow to believe or understand your story.<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"color: #000000\">We are sorry for those times we did not recognize how cruel and controlling a range of abusive behaviours can be.<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"color: #000000\">We are sorry if you were not told emphatically or often enough that the violence is never your fault, and that abuse is not love.<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"color: #000000\">We are sorry when our attempts to help have left you and your children exposed to more risk.<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"color: #000000\">We are sorry for those times when our theology has lacked the wisdom of wise pastoral practice.<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"color: #000000\">We are sorry when we have made you feel weighed down with a sense of failure and feeling responsible to make things right.<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span style=\"color: #000000\">We are sorry for those times we thought we knew best, but you really needed to make your own decisions in your own time.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><span style=\"color: #000000\">The audio of the sermon <em>Hear our Cry<\/em> can be found<\/span> <span style=\"color: #0000ff\"><a style=\"color: #0000ff\" href=\"http:\/\/saintdavids.org.au\/?s=hear+our+cry\">here<\/p>\n<p><\/a><span style=\"color: #000000\">A copy of the <em>Hear our Cry<\/em> order of service is available here: <span style=\"color: #0000ff\"><a style=\"color: #0000ff\" href=\"http:\/\/imaginarydiocese.org\/bishopjohn\/files\/2015\/08\/Domestic-Violence-Service-July-2015.pdf\">Domestic Violence Service July 2015<\/a><\/span><\/span><br \/>\n<\/span><span style=\"color: #000000\"><br \/>\nYou might like to listen to\u00a0the sermon <span style=\"color: #0000ff\"><em><a style=\"color: #0000ff\" href=\"http:\/\/saintdavids.org.au\/sermon\/2015\/07\/domestic-ephesians-5-family-violence\/\">Domestic Ephesians 5 (Domestic Violence)<\/a> <\/em><\/span>preached on Sunday 12th July by the Dean of the Cathedral, The Very Reverend Richard Humphrey.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Family is intimacy. Violence destroys. That the two words: family and violence are joined in Australia today is violation. Violation of love, trust, honour, dignity, compassion, vulnerability, togetherness, health \u2013 a violation of wholeness, integrity, of all that is family. &hellip; <a class=\"more-link\" href=\"http:\/\/imaginarydiocese.org\/bishopjohn\/2015\/08\/03\/hear-our-cry-address-service-for-domestic-violence\/\">Continue reading <span class=\"meta-nav\">&rarr;<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[5],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/imaginarydiocese.org\/bishopjohn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15648"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/imaginarydiocese.org\/bishopjohn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/imaginarydiocese.org\/bishopjohn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/imaginarydiocese.org\/bishopjohn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/imaginarydiocese.org\/bishopjohn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=15648"}],"version-history":[{"count":12,"href":"http:\/\/imaginarydiocese.org\/bishopjohn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15648\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":15684,"href":"http:\/\/imaginarydiocese.org\/bishopjohn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15648\/revisions\/15684"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/imaginarydiocese.org\/bishopjohn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=15648"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/imaginarydiocese.org\/bishopjohn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=15648"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/imaginarydiocese.org\/bishopjohn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=15648"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}